There are lots of things about this world that I do not understand. Usually I'll shortly reflect on these unknowns and then let them pass until another thoughtful day.
This thought, however, frequently visits me: Why do people smoke, drink, and glorify tanning? I just cannot understand...
Here are the facts:
Every year, 400,000 Americans die due to smoking cigarettes and 160,372 of these deaths are from smoking-induced cancer. In addition, 3000 innocent people die of lung cancer from second-hand smoke a year.
1,700 college students between the ages of 18 and 24 die each year from alcohol-related unintentional injuries, including motor vehicle crashes.
It is estimated that in 2007, nearly 1 million new cases of skin cancer will be reported and around 2,000 deaths will be due to skin cancer.
Why do I continue to dwell on this topic and present these facts to you? I will explain via example:
You have just received a brand new car. The outside is dazzling and the engine runs perfectly. It is one fine piece of machinery and you expect it stay that way for years. You're not gonna let anybody put a scratch on that car.
But then, let's say, one day you take your beautiful car and start hurtling rocks through the window. Run it into the wall a couple times. Hell, open the hood and take a sledge hammer to the engine and all the intricate parts inside.
Your new car looks like shit. It runs like shit. It is basically a pile of shit. What on earth possessed you to destroy that car?
Let me rephrase...
That new car you got, that's your body. Those rocks, walls, and damage via sledge hammer, that's you smoking, drinking, and tanning your life away.
It's obvious to think, "I'll take care of my car because it's expensive and needs to keep running." So why is it not obvious to think, "I'll take care of my body because the life I have with it is so priceless?"
That is what I do not understand.
I have never smoked, never drank, and enjoy my pale, pasty-white skin and for some reason, I will die of cancer in a couple of months. What's the deal!? Here, why don't you give me your body and you can take my piece-of-shit body and finish destroying it with tar-coated lungs, an alcohol-diseased liver, and melanoma crawling over your skin!? Then I can take your body, provide it with a healthy lifestyle, and have plenty more happy years on this earth. It sounds like a good trade to me.
I know friends who smoke and drink. They think it's just an expected part of life: "Hey! I got wasted last night! Awesome, huh? Let's put the pictures of me trashed on Facebook!"
It saddens me. They're ruining themselves on purpose and I'm fighting like hell to keep my body running. You don't have to drink, or at least not like that. Smoking is stupid. Always. What part of inhaling smoke sounds intelligent to you? As for tanning, yeah, you go lay in your glowing box until you notice a dark, asymmetrical mark on your integumentary system.
I know my questioning will offend/hurt feelings. If you smoke, drink, tan: I don't hate you, I just question what you do. I wonder how you can continue smoking, drinking, or tanning when so much information is available to you. I'm sure I'll probably get a response from someone. They'll find some way to justify smoking, getting wasted at college parties, and tanning. But I'll still continue to question. I guess I'll just never understand how some people can put so much effort into destroying their bodies when I am putting in so much effort to save mine.
Referenced Sites
http://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/data_statistics/Factsheets/cig_smoking_mort.htm http://www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov/StatsSummaries/snapshot.aspx
http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/types/skin
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Avoiding Normalcy
One thing every cancer patient wants is normalcy. We maintain the hope that someday our lives will be as they once were, no more chemotherapy or treatment-induced handicaps. While we wait for that day to come, we try to establish little bits of normalcy in our lives.
In my case, I reached out to the community college and began attending a couple classes there. Taking band was a good choice: it's a flexible class and it really doesn't matter if you miss a couple days a week. Then I signed up for photography. Taking pictures is one of my hobbies, so I thought a class that provided me with a chance to learn how to use a dark room and get a professor's opinions on my photos would be good for me.
However, this class is proving more difficult than I thought. It has a very strict policy for attendance and requires you to be in the darkroom several hours a week outside of class. At first I thought I could handle it, but now I can't help but thinking that there is no point in me attending class and I dread working in the darkroom with all the offensive, cold chemicals. I'm only auditing the class, I'm not receiving a grade for taking it, so it doesn't really matter that I don't take the tests and such, yet I feel bad for procrastinating, if not avoiding, that little bit of extra work.
I don't know. My inner drive is dwindling and I feel like I'm using my disease as an excuse to cut class. I had chemotherapy yesterday and I feel like going to class today would just be too much. Is this a lame excuse? I think so, but I can't help following through with it. There is nothing in me, except guilt, that makes me want to go to class.
For over a year, nothing has been expected of me, especially in an academic sense, so it's easy to just say, "Oh, I'm not feeling 100% today, so I'm not going to school." But I know this is stupid. Other people deal with more- more homework, jobs, demanding lives- and they don't fuss about it.
I've been told it's not the same for me. I have a terminal illness, so it's really up to me to decide what I want to exert my energy on for the day. I need more rest than other people, so it's okay if I miss a couple days of class. But it still feels like a bad excuse.
I keep looking for a suitable justification for skipping, but I can't find one. Part of it is I don't want to admit to my teacher that I'm behind and then beg for understanding why I won't be able to catch up today. It bothers me a lot. I was an "A" student, who always had her work in on time, and now I'm just a lazy bum who shies away from a little bit of work and depends on excuses.
It's stupid that I feel the rest of my life will probably be like this: I'll be provided with opportunities to be normal, and I'll get nervous because cancer has made me fearful that people will only remember me for my disease and how my life is different because of it. Or that I'll end up leaning on my disease and using it as a crutch to avoid things I don't feel like doing.
I really try not to do this. I don't want to be remembered as lazy. I guess when I go to photography, I can't help thinking that it's all fake. I'm not being graded because I'm not receiving a real college education. I'm just there to kill time, so who cares if my work is "D" quality? Yes, I want to improve my overall photography skills, but I really don't give a damn about the history of photography or the individual elements that construct a proper photograph interpretation.
I guess there's nothing I can do about it today. Class has already started and I'm sitting at home, feeling guilty, and wondering if my mood will improve as the week goes on.
Damn the weather, damn photography, and damn weekly chemotherapy that drags at my spirits.
The End.
In my case, I reached out to the community college and began attending a couple classes there. Taking band was a good choice: it's a flexible class and it really doesn't matter if you miss a couple days a week. Then I signed up for photography. Taking pictures is one of my hobbies, so I thought a class that provided me with a chance to learn how to use a dark room and get a professor's opinions on my photos would be good for me.
However, this class is proving more difficult than I thought. It has a very strict policy for attendance and requires you to be in the darkroom several hours a week outside of class. At first I thought I could handle it, but now I can't help but thinking that there is no point in me attending class and I dread working in the darkroom with all the offensive, cold chemicals. I'm only auditing the class, I'm not receiving a grade for taking it, so it doesn't really matter that I don't take the tests and such, yet I feel bad for procrastinating, if not avoiding, that little bit of extra work.
I don't know. My inner drive is dwindling and I feel like I'm using my disease as an excuse to cut class. I had chemotherapy yesterday and I feel like going to class today would just be too much. Is this a lame excuse? I think so, but I can't help following through with it. There is nothing in me, except guilt, that makes me want to go to class.
For over a year, nothing has been expected of me, especially in an academic sense, so it's easy to just say, "Oh, I'm not feeling 100% today, so I'm not going to school." But I know this is stupid. Other people deal with more- more homework, jobs, demanding lives- and they don't fuss about it.
I've been told it's not the same for me. I have a terminal illness, so it's really up to me to decide what I want to exert my energy on for the day. I need more rest than other people, so it's okay if I miss a couple days of class. But it still feels like a bad excuse.
I keep looking for a suitable justification for skipping, but I can't find one. Part of it is I don't want to admit to my teacher that I'm behind and then beg for understanding why I won't be able to catch up today. It bothers me a lot. I was an "A" student, who always had her work in on time, and now I'm just a lazy bum who shies away from a little bit of work and depends on excuses.
It's stupid that I feel the rest of my life will probably be like this: I'll be provided with opportunities to be normal, and I'll get nervous because cancer has made me fearful that people will only remember me for my disease and how my life is different because of it. Or that I'll end up leaning on my disease and using it as a crutch to avoid things I don't feel like doing.
I really try not to do this. I don't want to be remembered as lazy. I guess when I go to photography, I can't help thinking that it's all fake. I'm not being graded because I'm not receiving a real college education. I'm just there to kill time, so who cares if my work is "D" quality? Yes, I want to improve my overall photography skills, but I really don't give a damn about the history of photography or the individual elements that construct a proper photograph interpretation.
I guess there's nothing I can do about it today. Class has already started and I'm sitting at home, feeling guilty, and wondering if my mood will improve as the week goes on.
Damn the weather, damn photography, and damn weekly chemotherapy that drags at my spirits.
The End.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Religious Views
Is there a God?
I've frequently asked myself this question. For most, there is no doubt that there is some sort of supreme being guiding our lives and waiting to transcend us into the next life. After being diagnosed with cancer, it seems people expect me to believe in God. They send me prayers and tell me that prayer will save me, or it won't but that it doesn't matter since God is waiting for me in heaven. No matter how it turns out, God will be the answer, even though I feel the question was not directed to Him.
For a long time, I've doubted that there is a God. How could there be? An omnipotent being of love could not condemn me to a death by a painful disease. They tell me anger with God is to be expected. I tell them there can't be anger at something I don't believe in. There's just anger.
Luckily, God can be whoever you want Him to be, and He seems to be okay with this and doesn't complain. So I decided that God is not as involved as Christians make Him out to be. He is there, but He does not weep when we sin, or even really care. The point of His existence is to watch the game of Life unfold and throw a little confetti when we transcend into that next life and find our own piece of joy. Maybe He gets a little sad as He watches entropy creep in, but in the end, He's happy because He knows things that we do not.
I would like you to know that my anger with God has subsided. I've excepted His presence and His lack of fault for my current condition. It's nice to have that inner conflict resolved. It means I can accept people's prayers, and maybe pass on a few of my own, and know that God will listen, nod of his head, and maybe send a reply...
I've frequently asked myself this question. For most, there is no doubt that there is some sort of supreme being guiding our lives and waiting to transcend us into the next life. After being diagnosed with cancer, it seems people expect me to believe in God. They send me prayers and tell me that prayer will save me, or it won't but that it doesn't matter since God is waiting for me in heaven. No matter how it turns out, God will be the answer, even though I feel the question was not directed to Him.
For a long time, I've doubted that there is a God. How could there be? An omnipotent being of love could not condemn me to a death by a painful disease. They tell me anger with God is to be expected. I tell them there can't be anger at something I don't believe in. There's just anger.
Luckily, God can be whoever you want Him to be, and He seems to be okay with this and doesn't complain. So I decided that God is not as involved as Christians make Him out to be. He is there, but He does not weep when we sin, or even really care. The point of His existence is to watch the game of Life unfold and throw a little confetti when we transcend into that next life and find our own piece of joy. Maybe He gets a little sad as He watches entropy creep in, but in the end, He's happy because He knows things that we do not.
I would like you to know that my anger with God has subsided. I've excepted His presence and His lack of fault for my current condition. It's nice to have that inner conflict resolved. It means I can accept people's prayers, and maybe pass on a few of my own, and know that God will listen, nod of his head, and maybe send a reply...
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Disclaimer
Welcome to my new blog.
The purpose of this blog is to express different thoughts I randomly have without worrying about other people's opinions; it's a place where I can rant about any and everything.
Just know, I am not trying to directly attack people who read my blogs in some of the things I write. Usually I am not thinking of anybody in particular, though it may sound like I am. So if I write a post that somehow relates to you and it offends you, I'm sorry; the post was written to express my viewpoint, not written to hurt your feelings.
So that's my disclaimer.
Hello, World.
The purpose of this blog is to express different thoughts I randomly have without worrying about other people's opinions; it's a place where I can rant about any and everything.
Just know, I am not trying to directly attack people who read my blogs in some of the things I write. Usually I am not thinking of anybody in particular, though it may sound like I am. So if I write a post that somehow relates to you and it offends you, I'm sorry; the post was written to express my viewpoint, not written to hurt your feelings.
So that's my disclaimer.
Hello, World.
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